A Kid's Collage

This I Used To Believe

School. School is a waste of time. Time that could, and should, be spent doing more promising research. This is why I leave school when I get fed up with it. The trick is to act like nothing is out of the ordinary. Sudden or fast movements can alert your intentions to others. Your best bet is to calmly ask to go to the bathroom, ditch the hall pass, and just walk straight out the front doors. The crosswalk lady might still be there for some weird reason, and she’ll definitely try to get you to go back to school, but no worries, just double back about a quarter mile and make a wide detour around her so that you can cross further up the street. When you make it home, call your mom to let her know the situation so that she won’t be worried in the event of her being contacted by the school. She might be mad at you at first, but that’s apples and oranges when compared to the kinds of research you’ll be able to accomplish away from school, like seeing if you can walk around the edge of the fence without falling into the rose bush.

Pooping. Pooping takes just as long as you want it to take. It all comes down to focus, intense and powerful focus. You combine that with strained lifting sounds and you have a recipe for near instant relief. Heck, you could go from your plain, everyday run of the mill gut comfort to full on waste extraction in a matter of seconds just to get ahead of the game. Your dad might tell you to stop making those noises from outside the bathroom stall, but he’s the one who told you to make it quick, it’s his fault for the discovery of this technique in the first place. Taking your shirt off doesn’t hurt either. Shirts can restrict movement and hinder your core. Plus, in the off chance that your settling in for longer than you previously expected you’ll be thanking yourself for the extra breathability.

Santa Clause. My parents work for Santa Clause. Or rather, they work with Santa Clause. The finer points of the operation are unknown to me, but the point is they have an arrangement. Their official titles are, “Santa’s Helpers.” The way this works is, they provide Santa with information regarding my behavior and interests, and Santa uses that information to determine the gifts that he will give me. So, my parents aren’t the ones giving me the gifts, but their input is important enough that they might as well be. This is why it is crucial to be extra obedient during the couple of weeks leading up to Christmas.

Sean William Rex Rich